UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN
Actions Speak Louder than Words
A CERTAIN person had special arrangements made for the training of his children. A Maulvi would come every day to give them religious education, while he himself would urge them to say their prayers regularly. Daily he would spend some time with them to help them memorize the basic Islamic creed kalima and the verses of benediction from the Quran. He would attempt to impart to them such moral values as respecting their elders, behaving with propriety towards others and so on.
Nevertheless, when his children grew up, they were no different from the average person who is worldly and clever whenever his own interests are at stake. The reason for their early training having had so little effect was that it had been little better than a form of lip service. It had all been so many empty words—empty, because the role model presented by the father was that of a man of the world. When it came to mere words, he could be described as religious. But when it came to actions, all the aura of religiosity fell away from him. For such a man it was impossible to create a truly religious atmosphere within his own home.
Religious training is not achieved by the uttering of religious words; it calls for the sedulous building up of a religious atmosphere.
For example, there was a neighbour of his for whom he felt nothing but the most deadly antagonism. Having once imagined himself insulted by this man, his own ego went on fanning the flames of revenge. Out of sheer spite, he reviled his supposed enemy at home and did his level best to defame him in public. He even went to the extreme of trying to destroy his means of livelihood, by going to court and filing false cases against him.
These reprehensible activities went on for fifteen long years. His children would, of course, hear of religious values from his lips but all the while they would be breathing in an atmosphere which had been poisoned by his destructive activities. And wherever the atmosphere does not match the pious utterances made in it, a set of double standards is bound to be the result. We should never forget that actions speak louder than words.
Most parents, no matter how religious-minded they imagine they are, tend to make this mistake. While they talk to their children of spiritual and moral matters, they divert practically all of their attention to worldly affairs. They will speak of the next life, but they will set up their homes in such a way that the great goal of their lives degenerates into the mere piling up of things of worldly importance. They will extol the virtues of a righteous life, but instead of donating their wealth to good causes, they spend it in the mere fulfilment of the worldly ambitions they have for their children.
This is not religious training; it is but a mockery of it. Religious training is not achieved by the uttering of religious words; it calls for the sedulous building up of a religious atmosphere. In a home where there is no all-pervasive atmosphere of religion, it is not possible to instil moral values simply by letting fall a few religious-sounding phrases. It would not suffice to spend part of the family income on religious matters: conversations, family interests and daily activities must all be rooted in religion. Only then will it be possible to inculcate a truly religious way of thinking in one’s children.
The deeds must conform to the words. But all too often they do not. Why should this be so? Why should there be such shortcomings when it comes to putting words into action? The reason is that making any kind of statement only means mouthing a few words, whereas action is complicated by a number of problematic factors. If a man pledges himself to a particular course of action, but then shows himself unwilling to make concessions to some, or all of these factors, he cannot be said to have spoken in true earnest.
Putting principles into practice is not a simple matter. Only half the battle is won by getting up on a platform and addressing an audience. It is not really too difficult to make high-sounding speeches on the moral values of Islam. All one needs to do is to gather enough information from books on the subject and, of course, it helps to have an extensive vocabulary. But practising what one preaches is a different affair. It is seldom that action can be taken without encountering different kinds of obstacles on the way to one’s objective. Putting words into action means, inevitably, putting up a struggle.
Another inhibiting factor is the egoism of certain individuals. Even when they have demonstrably erred, they cannot bring themselves to utter the words, “I have erred,” or “I was wrong”, far less make amends. This would be too damaging to their prestige. This is why we find innumerable people who are all ready to bear witness to the fault of others, but who cannot, or will not acknowledge their own shortcomings.
It is all too easy to recount anecdotes relating to the acknowledgement of truth by Islamic personalities of bygone days, because the telling of such tales does not in any way detract from one’s own moral standing. But when it comes to making an avowal of one’s own errors, that is a very different matter because it shows up one’s personality in an unattractive light. Thus, a man who successfully projects another’s acknowledgement of truth is a total failure when it comes to acknowledging his own mistakes.
An atmosphere at home which suggests that there can be no compromise on principles is the only effective way to train children. If you do not put principles into practice in your private and public life, nothing can prevent your children from receiving bad influences.
This is mainly why people formulate principles, but do not act upon them. They feel that in acting upon principles, their own interests are harmed. The ego comes under attack, much unpleasantness ensues and with all that they are still obliged to return good for evil. Sometimes, people find themselves in the position of having to bow to their enemies and forsake their friends—all for the sake of principles. Equally unpleasant is the relinquishing to its rightful owner of an object which has been procured and kept by force, or by some other unlawful means. Principles mean nothing unless their formulators refuse to compromise on them.
This is undoubtedly an extremely difficult task. But the creation of an atmosphere at home which suggests that there can be no compromise on principles is the only effective way to train children. If you do not put principles into practice in your private and public life, nothing can prevent your children from receiving bad influences—even if you keep reciting the Quran day and night, and even if you send your children to the most prestigious Islamic schools for their education.