DOWRY AND DOWER
An Un-Islamic Practice
DOWRY—a practice which has never been sanctioned by Islam— is greatly on the increase among the Muslims of India and Pakistan. The custom of dowry has its origin in the Hindu tradition. Hindus did not give their daughters any share in the family property. Instead, they were given dowries on the occasion of their marriage, as a measure of compensation, in the form of household utilities.
By following this practice, Muslims are denying their daughters their rightful share in the family property to which they are entitled under Islamic law. The practice of “compensating” for this by giving them wedding presents and labelling these “dowry” or Jahez is, in reality, a deliberate evasion of the Islamic law of inheritance.
Some Muslims consider dowry as the sunnah (way) of the Prophet, because he himself gave his daughter, Fatimah, a “dowry” on the occasion of her marriage.
FATIMAH’S DOWRY
As a justification for giving dowry, this proposition is clearly unacceptable. Early records show that the “dowry” which the Prophet gave to Fatimah consisted of only the barest of household necessities.
There is a saying of the Prophet that “the most
blessed marriage is one in which the marriage partners
place the least burden on each other”.
According to Ali ibn Abi Talib, the 'Prophet Muhammad prepared for Fatimah a sheet, a leather bag for carrying water, and a pillow filled with grass'. It is mentioned that when Fatimah left for Ali’s house, it was quite unfurnished except for a flooring of sand, a pillow of date palm bark, a pot of water and a drinking vessel. Even the sheet which Fatimah was given had to be divided in two so that one half could be spread for sleeping on and the other half could be worn. Such a dowry would be considered unbecoming to most people today.
It had never been the custom to give presents to the bride. The Prophet’s feeling of obligation can be traced to the special relationship between Ali and himself. The Prophet had requested Ali’s father, Abu Talib, to confide young Ali to his care. From childhood, Ali had been under the Prophet’s guardianship. They had become more like father and son. It was natural that on the occasion of his marriage, the Prophet, as his guardian, should give him some necessary items with which to set up his home.
DOMESTIC NECESSITIES
Jahhaza, as used in the traditions meant the 'furnishing of provisions'. The current trend is to give the girl an ample dowry at the time of her marriage, to set up her new home with ease. But this is a wholly unIslamic concept and has no bearing on the ideals of marriage. Had it been a traditional Islamic practice, precedents would have been set in the Prophet’s lifetime. The Prophet gave household items to Fatimah, largely on account of his close relationship with Ali, and gave nothing at all to his other three daughters on the occasion of their marriages. Had dowry-giving been an established way of the Prophet, he would surely have given it to his other daughters as well.
THE REAL GIFT
One regrettable aspect of dowry-giving in recent times is the ostentation that goes with it. Nothing could be more un-Islamic. Even the practice of a simple marriage if followed by a lavish dowry is contrary to Islamic practice. It was certainly not the sunnah of the Prophet. Fatimah was his favorite daughter, but he neither gave her a lavish dowry nor did he send things to her home after the wedding. Even when Fatimah made a request to him for something of a material nature, he only gave her the benefit of his counsel.
Presently the Islamic spirit has almost vanished from
the responsibilities of arranging and performing a marriage.
Despite these faithful recordings, still many seek to justify giving huge dowries by citing the Prophet’s gifts to Fatimah. But, would anyone of these people advise a daughter with blistered hands to forget about having a servant and praise God instead? Would anyone of them, on hearing of her difficulties with her in-laws, advise her to turn to God? By any standard of consistency, that is exactly what they ought to do.
If anyone were to allege that Islam was an imperfect religion that failed to lay down guidelines for every eventuality, all Muslims would be up in arms. But, in practice, Muslims themselves tacitly assert this, whenever they follow such un-Islamic practices.
DOWER (MAHR)
At the time of marriage, the groom gives the bride a sum of money mahr (dower) as a token of his willingness to accept responsibility of bearing all necessary expenses of his wife. This is the original meaning of mahr.
There are two ways of presenting mahr to the bride. One is to hand it over at the time of the marriage, in which case it is known as mahr mu’ajjal, or promptly given dower. (The word mu’ajjal is derived from ‘ajilah, meaning 'without delay'.) During the time of the Prophet and his Companions, to give promptly was the accepted practice and the amount fixed was generally quite minimal.
Another way of giving dower, according to the Islamic law is to give it, after a certain period of time. This has to be settled at the time of the marriage. This form of dower is called mahr mu’aijal, or dower given after a period of time. This has often been willfully misinterpreted as implying an indefinite postponement of the giving of dower.
The Islamic law favours immediate handing over of dower.
The above mentioned dower, however, can take the form of some service performed by the husband. When Moses left Egypt for Madyan, he married Safoora, the daughter of the Prophet Shuayb. His dower was settled and paid off by binding himself to the service of his elderly father-in-law for a period of ten years. Only after performing this service for a full ten years did he leave Madyan for Egypt.
THE OPINION OF JURISTS
The Islamic law favours immediate handing over of dower. This was the practice followed by all of the Prophet’s Companions. Deferred dower is an alternative, but is not equal to prompt discharging of this responsibility. It is a concession made to those who are unable to meet the requirements at the time of marriage.
NO HEAVY BURDEN
The dower, in cash or kind, has to be fixed keeping the bridegroom’s position in life. It should be affordable to him, be it a lump sum in cash or some article of value. The jurists have different views to offer on what the minimum amount should be, but all agree that it should be substantial enough for something to be bought against it. There are no traditions which encourage increase in the dower, whereas some argue for fixing smaller dowers. In all such cases, Islam lays down guidelines rather than issuing strict commandments. It is left to the circumstances of the groom. There is a well known saying of the Prophet Muhammad, that “the best woman is one whose dower is the easiest to pay”.
Another saying refers to such a bride as “the most blessed woman”. “The state of blessedness”, according to a third saying, resides in “her being easy to deal with and the acceptance of dower according to the capacity of the husband”.
The second Caliph, Umar ibn al-Khattab, while addressing a gathering asked them to refrain from fixing heavy dowers in marriage. Hearing this, a woman, addressed the Caliph quoting the Quran, “If you have given much wealth to your women do not take anything from it”. (4: 20) In response Umar withdrew his words, saying, “The woman is right, Umar is wrong”.
THE COMPANIONS AND THEIR MARRIAGES
In the first era of Islam, marriage was a simple affair without pomp or ostentation. Expenditure being minimal, it did not burden either family. There is a saying of the Prophet that “the most blessed marriage is one in which the marriage partners place the least burden on each other". The simplicity of marriage in the Prophet’s days is well illustrated by Abdur Rahman ibn Auf, one of the Prophet’s foremost
The most blessed marriage is one in which the marriage partners
place the least burden on each other. -Prophet Muhammad
Companions. He married in Madinah with as little ceremony as possible, not even thinking it necessary to invite the Prophet or the Companions. Imam Ahmad narrates how the Prophet came to know of this. Abdur Rahman ibn Auf came to the Prophet with the scent of saffron upon him. When the Prophet asked him about this, he said, “I have married”. The Prophet then enquired as to how much dower he had given his bride. “Gold equal in weight to one date stone”, he replied.
A WRONG CUSTOM
Presently the Islamic spirit has almost vanished from the responsibilities of arranging and performing a marriage. Muslims nowadays prefer to follow local custom rather than the guidelines of Islam. A misguided practice is the fixing of heavy dowers—by the brides’ families and considering this as safeguarding the girls’ interests. The Dictionary of Islam says:
The custom of fixing heavy dowers, generally beyond the husband’s means, especially in India, seems to be based upon the intention of checking the husband from ill-treating his wife, and, above all, from his marrying another woman, as also from wrongfully or causelessly divorcing the former. For in the case of divorce the woman can demand the full payment of the dower.
Fixing a substantial dower rests on the supposition that it has to be fixed at the time of marriage, but not handed over on that occasion. This gives it a “deterrent” value, not otherwise possible, i.e. if it was immediately paid.
SURE SOLUTION
What parents try to achieve—unsuccessfully—through the fixing of heavy dowers, is stability in their daughters’ marriages. Such stability comes out of the girl’s appreciation of the realities of life than from manipulation of the dower, or other material considerations. A keen awareness of the root cause of familial and societal problems is essential. The commonest manifestation of these are quarrels with inlaws, and sometimes even the breaking up of the home.
Stability in marriage comes from the appreciation of the
realities of life rather than from manipulation of the dower,
or other material considerations.
The bride comes from her parent’s home where she has had unstinted affection. This relationship and the place in the family are usually taken for granted. She is unaware that these valuable elements in family living are not hers for the taking when she enters her new home as a married woman. They have to be earned. She has to show herself deserving of the kind of love and regard she had as a matter of right in her parents’ home. This lack of awareness is often the cause of major rifts in her married life.
There is unconditional love in case of blood relationships. She is loved by her parents whether she is good or bad, active or idle, helpful or not regardless of the circumstances of her life and how her own character develops. With no such blood relationship with her in-laws, love from them will never be unconditional. It will be in direct relation to the impression her character and abilities make upon them in daily living. For the bride, entering the marriage bond is like undergoing a series of tests, the outcome of which will determine whether her married life will be stable and happy. Wise parents will warn their daughters to mould themselves to new sets of circumstances.
A woman, who enters marriage with a correct appreciation of what is required of her, will make the transition with ease. By virtue of her character and accomplishments, she will earn the same honourable position in her in-law’s home as she had in her parents’ home. For a woman who enters marriage, uninstructed as to the realities of life in her parents-in-law’s home, friction is likely to arise because she does not consider it her own home. As a result her parents-in-law will not think of her as their own. Her life will have little sense of fulfillment. She will be fortunate indeed if her afflictions are only psychological. It is regrettable that women in this position seldom realise that their woes stem largely from their unpreparedness for the married state. Such a situation is invariably aggravated when her parents attempt to intervene. In a clash between the weak and the strong, it is always the former who suffer and of course, within the bonds of marriage, it is always the woman, who is in the weaker position. Parents do not realise the damage they do to their own daughter’s life in waging an unending war against her in-laws. But, as the old saying goes, “Every father is a fool where his children are concerned”.
It is the one who is prepared to look at the hard facts of
life in the face, who will make their marriage a resounding success.
The parents-in-law’s home is a kind of training and testing ground in which she must be willing to learn, to adapt and to prove her mettle. She must leave behind her the fairy tale existence of her parent’s home. It is the girl who is prepared to look at the hard facts of life in the face, who will make her marriage a resounding success.
Contented Life
Contentment in this world is only for those
who willingly accept the Creation Plan of God.